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 I just can't put this in "poems".

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Paul
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Dictionary Definition : Dictionary Definition: Paul-One of the few male LC creatures known to exist, this specimen is one of the eldest in the LC universe. This specimen is known to work long hours but still makes time to commingle with fellow LC denizens. This being has a peculiar sense of humor and has been observed to shun smilies, although this aversion has been lessening as of late.
Registration date : 2009-02-06

PostSubject: I just can't put this in "poems".   Sat Jul 25, 2009 3:20 pm

Well, I said I was going to write a humorous poem, and, unfortunately, I have. Razz

I decided, however, not to sully the poems thread by including this with the sincere, quality works already there. I'm actually a bit embarrassed to post this here, in the jokes thread. Embarassed But, I said I would, and here it is:

DATE GONE WRONG

It must have been the chili dogs
I ate before this trip
Because when I sat down the seat of my pants
Resounded with a terrible rip.

What am I to do now?
To stand would be my disgrace
Everybody will see my smiley-face underwear
They will laugh right in my face.

My date is looking at me
She doesn't have a clue
She tells me she is ready to leave
What am I going to do?

And now it's gotten much worse
I think I'm going to die
A buildup of gas deep within
I gotta let one fly.

A roiling in my guts
My sphincter's feeling weak
But in the middle of a coffee bar
I can't do the one-cheek sneak.

My date is getting angry
She says it's time to go
I have to do something
With any luck she'll never know.

I stand and push my chair back
I gotta time it just so
The loud squeal of wood against wood
I close my eyes and let it go.

A moment's hesitation
Chair against floor, the sound didn't last
Then like an avenging angel's trumpet
The air ripped with my nether blast.

The torn seat of my pants
Blew out and flapped open wide
In the ensuing silence
My date's eyes were horrified.

Now I spend my weekends alone
And I write into my log
Lesson one: before a date
Say no to chili dogs.

That's it. Sorry about that. It seems that ever since I read The Miller's Tale from Chaucer's Canturbury Tales I've had a taste for low-brow and puerile fare such as that. Razz

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So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way.--Joni Mitchell
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BeautyBlitz
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Number of posts : 1882
Age : 34
Location : Canada
Dictionary Definition : Rodent - Homo Rodentiensis is a typical LC creature. Always ready to laugh about stupidity, this being has long occupied a special moderator status on the LC. As one of the very few LC creatures who actually can get and keep a partner, she is the object of constant envy. Though madness is not part of the average Rodents characteristics, this particular feature can at times be subject to change, especially when striken by severe sleep deprivation.
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Registration date : 2008-12-02

PostSubject: Re: I just can't put this in "poems".   Sat Jul 25, 2009 4:09 pm

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!

Paul, I am glad to know another adult who still loves a good fart joke!

I don't know why you were so embarrassed to post this, it's absolutely brilliant Exclamation

My hat goes off to you friend! Bravo!

clapping
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Kelsey
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Dictionary Definition : Kelsey-- Frequently called "Kels," this female specimen of Homo Sapiens belongs to the Literary Cabinet universe. Although she is a young member, she has shown her maturity to be above other species, sometimes. "Kelsey" can behave quite crazy in her own right. One of her most noticeable traits is paranoia and knowledge of trolls.
Registration date : 2008-12-03

PostSubject: Re: I just can't put this in "poems".   Sat Jul 25, 2009 6:36 pm

I really hope, for your sake, this isn't based on a past experience.
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Paul
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Dictionary Definition : Dictionary Definition: Paul-One of the few male LC creatures known to exist, this specimen is one of the eldest in the LC universe. This specimen is known to work long hours but still makes time to commingle with fellow LC denizens. This being has a peculiar sense of humor and has been observed to shun smilies, although this aversion has been lessening as of late.
Registration date : 2009-02-06

PostSubject: Re: I just can't put this in "poems".   Sat Jul 25, 2009 6:56 pm

To Mariah: Thank you! Yes, as "refined" (yeah, right! tongue ) as I sometimes try to appear, a good fart joke (like Jurassic Fart!) will still make me LMAO (which I am guessing stand for Laugh My Ass Off). What can I say? Razz

To Kelsey: Thankfully, this is not based on past experience!

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So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way.--Joni Mitchell
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Tourterelle
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Dictionary Definition : Tourterelle--a unique specimen of the female gender of Homo Sapiens that exhibits behaviors such as excessive procrastination, chocolate creation (in direct contradiction to the Law of Conservation of Matter), and overall insanity. Common names include Nicholle, CQ (Chocolate Queen), Crackhead, and Miss Martini Maniac. Lately, this individual has reportedly been seen dancing in a banana costume and drinking an excessive amount of martinis.
Registration date : 2008-12-03

PostSubject: Re: I just can't put this in "poems".   Sun Jul 26, 2009 2:11 am

That's hilarious, Paul!

Absolutely disgusting, but still funny.
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Louisa
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Dictionary Definition : Louisa Lynn--a unique specimen of the female gender of Homo Sapiens that has almost everything in common with another species: Homo Sapiens Zarasahanous. This specimen is always found with Asian (Filipino) descent and is a loyal friend to the "good side" during the epic Choco War. A common mutualistic companion found with this specimen is a Pokemon (most likely, the epic Arceus). This species is closely related to the species Homo Sapiens Tourterelleous. Common names include Lynn's Angel.
Registration date : 2008-12-04

PostSubject: Re: I just can't put this in "poems".   Sun Jul 26, 2009 8:15 pm

I knew I'd laugh out loud! Absolutely brilliant, Paul! clapping
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PostSubject: Re: I just can't put this in "poems".   Mon Aug 10, 2009 12:34 pm

As usual, I'm finding this one late.

My take?
Gross, vulgar, and f-ing hilarious.

Epic, Paul!
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March Hare
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PostSubject: Re: I just can't put this in "poems".   Wed Aug 12, 2009 12:46 pm

I was on the floor. You should send this to the NYT.
It's the type of poem one is ashamed to laugh at, though.
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Jen
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PostSubject: Re: I just can't put this in "poems".   Thu Aug 12, 2010 7:12 pm


Wow. rofl
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Paul
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Dictionary Definition : Dictionary Definition: Paul-One of the few male LC creatures known to exist, this specimen is one of the eldest in the LC universe. This specimen is known to work long hours but still makes time to commingle with fellow LC denizens. This being has a peculiar sense of humor and has been observed to shun smilies, although this aversion has been lessening as of late.
Registration date : 2009-02-06

PostSubject: Re: I just can't put this in "poems".   Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:23 pm

Just when I thought this one was dead and buried and forgotten about... Razz

I'm glad you got a laugh out of it, though, Jen! Very Happy

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So many things I would have done, but clouds got in my way.--Joni Mitchell
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PostSubject: Re: I just can't put this in "poems".   Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:18 pm


Yeah it was very funny. For your sake I was hoping it wasn't based on experience. I laughed pretty hard. Great job, by the way.
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PostSubject: Re: I just can't put this in "poems".   Fri Aug 13, 2010 5:16 am

Paul wrote:
Just when I thought this one was dead and buried and forgotten about... Razz

I'm glad you got a laugh out of it, though, Jen! Very Happy

This one will last as long as LC, Paul. (which I hope means a long time)
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PostSubject: Re: I just can't put this in "poems".   Sat Aug 14, 2010 12:38 pm

Yep. That really was very funny. rofl
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